My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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