he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
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the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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