So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
