Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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