if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
