Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
