One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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