you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Found the puke drawer
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
