I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
