You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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