1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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