She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
