last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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