i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
