just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
