Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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