Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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