Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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