Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
