Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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