There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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