oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
