I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
