Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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