I just threw up on my dentist
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
