it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
