Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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