I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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