Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
