Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
