Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was like eating out sand paper
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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