Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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