I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
