Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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