the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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