I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
