Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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