i would punch a child for taco bell
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
