i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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