im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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