I cut my penus on the lid.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
