his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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