We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
