____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
