Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
