I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
