Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
