just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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