I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
