There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
