just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
