There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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