my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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