if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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