1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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